The Rise and Fall

“We all of us need to be toppled off the throne of self, my dear," he said. "Perched up there the tears of others are never upon our own cheek.” 
― Elizabeth Goudge, The White Witch

Pride

Something was smuggled past me while my heart was in its unguarded state of vulnerability. I am devastating.  My interactions with people are not simple. When I see someone I want to know, or when I find a woman who catches my fancy; I reach in, grab their heart, and pull. I use social tactics, deduction, and observation to develop deep emotional attachments at an alarming rate.

The problem with this habit of mine is my pride. My severe paranoia with other humans, and my pride of "being right" (which I believe I developed from my mother) causes quite the delimia. When I am emotionally hurt, or threatened, I go into an angry state of self preservation. Rather then embrace sorrow I jab knives, back into the corner, and fight to keep that pain out. When people hurt I am worse at forgiving and better at amputating. 

A few well placed words brought this to my attention. Suddenly I found myself staring at my hands saying "My god... there is so much blood." And know i'm just trying to clean them off.

Gym

After trimming off 10 pounds in one month (and still trimming) increasing my lifting in more than a few exercises, and looking pretty damn good, here are some basic truths about working out I have discovered.

It isn't quick- Look if you are serious about the gym you have to realize a few things and the first of those things is it isn't quick. Once I buckled down, and got serious I didn't start seeing some improvements until after the first month. Even then they were minute. That said, record your progress/what you are lifting, and take pictures because that is when you will see the improvement. When you look at yourself in between months.

Eating- If you are going to start getting fit you need to eat right. If you are not going to eat right don't even bother. This means your diet needs to switch to tons of protein and no fast food. If you have to do fast food do Subway, Chipotle, or something on the healthy side.
Also measure your calorie intake. When I decided to slim down my calorie intake went to 1600-1800 a day. Best way to do this is to watch what you drink. Soda is HORRIBLE. It fills you with 120 empty calories a can. You need something sweet? There are energy drinks that taste amazing and have 1g of sugar and 10 calories.

Work- Chemically after you go to the gym enough times your brain develops an addiction to the chemicals your body releases during working out. Now starting the process of working out sucks because the first few times you are going to hurt. I'm talking can't walk straight ache. However that goes away.
Realize if you want to get fit you need to go to the gym 3 times a week. My schedule looks like this

day 1
back/biceps

day 2
chest/triceps

day 3
legs/shoulders

On each of those days I have a set 3-4 exercises for each muscle group. You can't just go to the gym once or twice a week, do two exercises, and get fit. Honestly it isn't hard. I am at the gym for about 40 min on those days.

Running- It is OVERRATED! It pains me when I see women convinced that if they run they will slim up and turn all hotty. Look running burns calories, but working out burns calories and your body uses the fat. It takes that fat and turns it into muscle. Running doesn't turn it into anything. I have lost so much more weight from my calorie intake and dedicated work outs then I did running.

Evolving

Life is a struggle between worlds.

There was the world of light. A warm comforting place found on mothers lap. Sitting at the dinner table, with the fire crackling in the background. Yet out side disease was spreading, causing innocence to blacken like the edge of a map consumed by flames, curling and dying while no one cared. It was that world that called to me. That world with a seduction that swayed like perfectly rounded hips under a dim red light. I heard it's sirens call and gulped down the liquid, allowing the haze to overwhelm me. We are called to be good, we want to be pure, but why cling to those notions when the world of darkness is so delicious.

I ended the relationship last night. We had another fight over some sort of petty nonsense. I'm sad about the out come but I feel the decision I made was the most rational. I truly believe that we aren't compatible. I can not be in a relationship where my girlfriend thinks I don't care about her, or i'm rude because for one second I decide to do something on my own.

The most difficult part of all this is that it has produced a mental itch. Am I just not date-able? After this I think I will be single for a while.

One of the most enjoyable changes that has entered my life due to Stacey is the chance to try new and exciting foods. Currently, rather then experimenting with flavor my roommate's main concern is how much protein is in the dish. Things like bruschetta, pesto, or guacamole cause him to turn his nose due to them being "beta" food.
I enjoy cooking and honestly I enjoy being romantic. Combine that with the chance to learn how to make new and exciting food, well that just makes me as happy as a kitten in a yarn factory. I find satisfaction in doing kind things for my girl and a warmth in the smiles I receive for such acts. I truly do hope we can work through this habit of arguing over nonsense.

As I hoped journaling regularly has introduced writing back into my life, which in turn has made working on the book series natural. If I can capture this, make it a ritual like I have other things, then just maybe that fabricated world of my imagination can finally come to life. 

I think I will hit the goth club tonight. I need a night out.

New favorite word: Anoesis-  a state of mind consisting of pure sensation or emotion without cognitive content.

I'm on the fence with Stacey. On one hand she is an excellent girlfriend. She's caring, fun, snugly, intelligent  compassionate and beautiful. However, her way of handling disagreements is absolutely atrocious. Storming out, days of silence, escalated overreactions, it's all nonsense. I have been thinking about a breakup. Though I care for her I simply can not see this relationship lasting as long as she continues to respond to disagreements in the manner that she does.

So far all of our fights have been over petty nonsense. What is going to happen when we have an actual argument over something worth while.

At the same time maybe I am being to harsh. Maybe I am expecting perfection and I should be more understanding with her short comings. I need to talk to Karen about this. She will have good advice.

I tried apologizing to Jacob. I was met with a predictable silence. Children will be children. Rather then spend more days upset with the lack of contact from people who "didn't choose sides," i've decided to move on.

If dreams are any indication of your inner desires I think I desire two things:

First the freedom to travel or explore. That or a motorcycle because I frequently have dreams about driving cross country with the wind in my hair. The road passing me by. I have never road a motorcycle before but something inside me seems to yearn for it. Not the best desire because I am pretty sure I would kill myself.

Second would be to mend things with Michael and Liz. Now when I consider this in real life it fills me with rage and disgust because honestly I find them to be detestable people. Yet quite often my nightly dreams are plagued with the thought of apologies and returning to that state of blissful laughter. This leaves me feeling conflicted. I will have to think on this more.

Return

I've decided to come back and try to diligently update a digital journal. With how dedicated I am to my gym schedule I see no reason as to why I can not keep my writings up to par. Regardless of if it is simple online nonsense or actual book work, I need to keep refining my writing skills.

Since I have no desire to regurgitate my entire life into digital word form I shall make this documination rather quick.

1. I found a delightful young woman who actually makes me happy. This is strange, foreign, and once thought to be impossible. Now I don't mean that in a pathetic thespian way. No, I am picky and statistically over time I feel that believing the odds are against me, or that it simply isn't in the cards; is an entirely logical conclusion to come to. The relationship still has a few issues that I am sure I will eventually rant about, but for now this amount of info should suffice.

2. I am living with a roommate who though enjoyable is entirely different and significantly more immature than myself.

3. I am still unemployed.

I will be making another update later in the day. Right now I need something to amuse or distract myself.